Filed by The Dude on Sunday, May 17, 2026 — a satirical breaking report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
MAN ARRESTED AFTER BREAKING INTO A PETCO AT MIDNIGHT TO READ BEDTIME STORIES TO THE PARAKEETS HE HAD BEEN VISITING DAILY FOR 4 MONTHS
MAN ARRESTED AFTER BREAKING INTO A PETCO AT MIDNIGHT TO READ BEDTIME STORIES TO THE PARAKEETS HE HAD BEEN VISITING DAILY FOR 4 MONTHS A Beaverton man was allegedly arrested early Wednesday morning after breaking into a local Petco shortly after midnight, telling responding officers he was simply "tucking in the birds." Gregory Holloway, 42, was reportedly discovered seated cross-legged in front of the parakeet habitat wearing a Petco employee polo he allegedly purchased on eBay, holding an open copy of Goodnight Moon and speaking in what witnesses described as "a calm, theatrical whisper." Store manager Rebecca Linwood told reporters Gregory had become a familiar presence at the location over the past four months. "Gregory came in every single day at 4 PM," Rebecca said. "He had names for all of them. He once corrected me on which one was Beverly." Gregory allegedly entered the store through an unlocked stockroom door he claimed he had "noticed weeks ago and chosen not to mention out of respect." Surveillance footage reviewed by Metro 7 News reportedly shows Gregory adjusting the cage curtains, dimming a nearby display lamp using a clip-on book light he brought from home, and reading aloud for approximately 38 minutes before officers arrived. He allegedly paused twice during the reading to shush a nearby hamster. Officer Daniel Pruitt told reporters Gregory initially refused to leave, citing what he called "a verbal agreement with Beverly." "He said the parakeets had been struggling with bedtime routines," Officer Pruitt said. "He said someone had to step up." Gregory was eventually escorted out of the store still wearing the polo and clutching the book, which he allegedly asked the officers to return to the parakeets "after they finished processing it." When asked by reporters outside the squad car if he regretted his actions, Gregory allegedly responded, "Only that I didn't finish chapter two." He faces charges of burglary, criminal trespass, and impersonating a retail employee. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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