Filed by The Dude on Sunday, May 17, 2026 — a satirical eyewitness report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
UPDATE: HAMPTON INN BREAKFAST BUFFET SUSPECT RELEASED ON BAIL, IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED AT A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS THREE BLOCKS AWAY HOLDING THE SAME TUPPERWARE
UPDATE: HAMPTON INN BREAKFAST BUFFET SUSPECT RELEASED ON BAIL, IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED AT A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS THREE BLOCKS AWAY HOLDING THE SAME TUPPERWARE Douglas Werner, 51, the Hillsboro man arrested Tuesday after eating 73 consecutive complimentary breakfasts at a local Hampton Inn without being a guest, was reportedly released from custody Wednesday morning — and was allegedly spotted at a Holiday Inn Express less than three blocks away within 26 minutes of his release. Witnesses say he was holding the same Tupperware container. Holiday Inn Express front desk associate Marissa Hollins told reporters Douglas walked through the lobby Wednesday at 7:11 AM wearing a freshly purchased lanyard from a 2017 orthodontics expo in Tacoma. "He nodded at me. He said good morning. He asked if the biscuits and gravy were back," Marissa said. "I had only been working there for two weeks. I assumed he was a regular." Surveillance footage reviewed by Metro 7 News allegedly shows Douglas helping himself to two waffles, a bowl of oatmeal, four sausage links, and what appeared to be a small jar of strawberry jam he reportedly slipped into his coat pocket. He allegedly sat at a corner table for 38 minutes, drinking coffee and quietly reading a complimentary copy of USA Today he had not paid for either. Holiday Inn Express general manager Tony Reardon told reporters he was first alerted by a guest who recognized Douglas from the local news. "A woman came up to me holding her phone," Tony said. "She said, 'Is that the muffin guy?' I looked over. It was the muffin guy." When officers arrived, Douglas allegedly attempted to remain calm, claiming he had "switched brands" and was "well within his rights as a continental breakfast enthusiast." Pressed by officers about his pending charges from the Hampton Inn incident, Douglas reportedly responded, "Those were Hampton Inn charges. This is a different chain. I assumed the slate was clean." He was rearrested on charges of theft of services, criminal trespass, and violating the conditions of his release. The jar of strawberry jam was reportedly recovered intact. #funny #comedy #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
More From The Newsdesk
FLORIDAWEST PALM BEACH, FL — Camila Restrepo, 30, was arrested Thursday…
Witnesses say Restrepo, who dated ex-boyfriend Julian Acosta, 32, for 14 months until their March breakup,…
FLORIDAFLORIDA WOMAN DETAINED AFTER TRYING TO PAY FOR A WAFFLE HOUSE BILL…
LAKELAND, FL — Camryn Pemberton, 31, was detained Friday morning at the Memorial Boulevard Waffle House after…
FILEDWIDOW SUES… HERSELF — AND FORCES INSURANCE COMPANY TO PAY AFTER…
What sounds like a legal joke is actually a real courtroom twist that has people doing a double take. A…
FILEDKAREN ARRESTED AT JFK AFTER 11-HOUR MELTDOWN OVER A $27 BAGEL
NEW YORK, NY — A 34-year-old woman was arrested Sunday afternoon at JFK International Airport's Terminal 4…