Filed by The Dude on Wednesday, May 20, 2026 — a satirical florida report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
FLORIDA MAN, 56, ARRESTED AFTER STEALING A FUNERAL HOME GOLF CART AND DRIVING IT 14 MILES TO A HOOTERS
FLORIDA MAN, 56, ARRESTED AFTER STEALING A FUNERAL HOME GOLF CART AND DRIVING IT 14 MILES TO A HOOTERS He didn't go to the wake. He didn't sign the guest book. He saw the keys in the cart, the open road, and a craving for boneless wings that could not wait. PORT RICHEY, FL — Darrin Tuggle, 56, told arresting officers he was "just trying to clear his head with some wings and a cold draft." The head-clearing began at Evergreen Funeral Home, where Tuggle had been a guest at a third cousin's service, and ended fourteen miles later in the parking lot of a Hooters off US-19. What investigators pieced together is already the top post in five Pasco County Facebook groups: - Tuggle allegedly slipped out during the eulogy, climbed into the funeral home's courtesy cart, and rolled out at a steady 11 mph with the lap blanket still folded on the passenger seat - He reportedly stopped twice along the route, once at a Wawa for a tallboy and once at a Dollar General for a pack of Marlboro Reds and a single banana - Witnesses say he waved at every car that honked, including a Pasco County school bus full of children, who later told their parents "the cowboy on the little car blew us a kiss" - Tuggle reportedly arrived at Hooters, parked between two F-150s, walked in, and asked for "a table by the TV, ma'am, I had a long drive" - He was caught only after a server, identified as Brittani , recognized the Evergreen logo on the cart through the window and asked if everything was okay A regular at the bar, identified only as Big Wayne from the bait shop, told reporters Tuggle had been "calm, generous with his tip, and grieving in his own special way." Sergeant Cleat Honeycutt, a 27-year veteran of the Pasco County Sheriff's Office, addressed reporters in the parking lot. "In twenty-seven years I have logged stolen scooters, stolen tractors, and one man who took a Zamboni out of a rink. This is the first time I have written a report listing the vehicle as 'property of Evergreen Memorial Park.' I am going home." He didn't say goodbye to the deceased. He just said hello to ten boneless wings. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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