Filed by The Dude on Thursday, May 21, 2026 — a satirical florida report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
FLORIDA MAN DETAINED AT ORLANDO AIRPORT WITH 29 AVOCADOS STRAPPED TO HIS BODY -- PRESENTS A SPREADSHEET PROVING THE ECONOMICS JUSTIFIED THE COMMITMENT
FLORIDA MAN DETAINED AT ORLANDO AIRPORT WITH 29 AVOCADOS STRAPPED TO HIS BODY -- PRESENTS A SPREADSHEET PROVING THE ECONOMICS JUSTIFIED THE COMMITMENT Orlando, FL -- TSA agents at Orlando International Airport detained Curtis Maples, 34, Saturday morning after a body scanner revealed what Agent Brenda Polk described as "a lumpy, asymmetrical situation across the torso and thighs consistent with either a structural vest malfunction or a produce aisle." It was the produce aisle. Twenty-nine Hass avocados, each wrapped individually in a sock and secured with a combination of Ace bandages and bungee cord sections, distributed across Maples' chest, back, and both thighs in what he described to agents as "a weight-balanced carrying system I tested at home first." Spreadsheet documented Chicago avocado prices at $3.89 to $4.25 each versus Florida's $0.89 Projected savings across 29 avocados calculated at $91.60 after rounding Two avocados had been assigned to each thigh, five across the chest, the remainder across the back Maples confirmed the sock wrapping was for bruise prevention and called it "non-negotiable" When Agent Polk asked how long the planning had taken, he said "less time than you'd think" Confirmed he had eaten two avocados for courage before leaving for the airport Agent Polk noted transporting avocados on one's person violated no federal regulation, a fact Maples had apparently verified in advance. "He did the research," she said. "On multiple fronts." Maples was cleared, boarded his flight, and arrived in Chicago $91.60 ahead of schedule. The spreadsheet was correct. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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