Filed by The Dude on Thursday, May 21, 2026 — a satirical breaking report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
GEORGIA WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER ALLEGEDLY BREAKING INTO HER EX'S HOUSE TO STEAL BACK A CROCKPOT AND THE DOG
GEORGIA WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER ALLEGEDLY BREAKING INTO HER EX'S HOUSE TO STEAL BACK A CROCKPOT AND THE DOG SAVANNAH, GA — Authorities arrested Lorelei Anne Brackett, 36, on Tuesday evening after she allegedly broke into her ex-boyfriend's rental home on East Henry Street and removed exactly two items: a six-quart Hamilton Beach crockpot and a 14-pound Havanese named Mister Biscuit. Witnesses say Brackett, wearing leggings, a UGA sweatshirt, and a fanny pack she described as "for the dog treats only," climbed through a back window she knew had a broken latch from when she lived there in 2023. According to the police report: - Brackett left a handwritten Post-it note on the kitchen counter that read "I birthed this dog Brandon, the crockpot too, do not text me" - She allegedly took the time to unplug the crockpot, wrap the cord neatly, and place a single Bath and Body Works wallflower as "a parting gift" - A neighbor across the street, identified only as Miss Patty 🐕, recorded Brackett walking back to her Kia Sorento with the dog under one arm and the crockpot under the other while saying "she got the dog AND the slow cooker, this is biblical" - Mister Biscuit reportedly went willingly and was seen wagging his tail in the passenger seat with a Sonic kids cup of water already waiting - Officers recovered the crockpot from Brackett's trunk along with a Tupperware of leftover pot roast she had cooked in it the night before Sergeant Wendell Carrick, a 23-year veteran of the Chatham County Sheriff's Office, addressed reporters at the scene. "In twenty-three years I have handled custody disputes, property disputes, and one time a divorce over a recliner. This is the first one where the dog testified by wagging at the officer. I am going home." She came back for what was hers and left a wallflower behind. She drove off in a Kia Sorento with Mister Biscuit riding shotgun and dinner already prepped. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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