Filed by The Dude on Thursday, May 21, 2026 — a satirical florida report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
FLORIDA MAN ARRESTED AFTER DRIVING ZERO-TURN MOWER THROUGH CHILI’S PARKING LOT AND ATTEMPTING TO USE DRIVE-THRU “LIKE A NORMAL VEHICLE”
FLORIDA MAN ARRESTED AFTER DRIVING ZERO-TURN MOWER THROUGH CHILI’S PARKING LOT AND ATTEMPTING TO USE DRIVE-THRU “LIKE A NORMAL VEHICLE” LAKELAND, FL — A Florida man was arrested after police say he drove a zero-turn lawn mower through a Chili’s parking lot before attempting to place a full dinner order at the pickup window “with complete confidence.” Daniel Buckner, 51, was taken into custody Tuesday night after employees reported a man on a riding mower repeatedly circling the restaurant while blasting classic rock and yelling: “Y’ALL STILL GOT THE 2 FOR $25?” According to witnesses, Buckner allegedly pulled up to the curbside pickup area shortly before closing time and attempted to order: * Triple Dipper appetizers * Two bacon burgers * Extra ranch * And “whatever had the most fries attached to it” Employees reportedly informed him Chili’s did not technically have a drive-thru, to which Buckner allegedly replied: “Well then explain this window situation.” Police reports state Buckner became frustrated after workers refused to hand food directly to his mower basket. Witnesses claim: * He revved the mower aggressively near the curb * Knocked over two promotional signs * Attempted a zero-turn spin “to intimidate staff” * And repeatedly shouted “THIS IS TRANSPORTATION” Authorities say officers arrived to find Buckner parked near the pickup cones eating chips and salsa “with visible disappointment.” When questioned, Buckner reportedly admitted he had lost his driver’s license earlier that month but believed: “The mower wasn’t technically illegal if it stayed under 20 miles an hour.” One witness described the entire situation as: “Peak Florida with a side of queso.” Buckner was charged with disorderly conduct and driving an unregistered motor vehicle before later being released. Employees say the mower left visible tire marks in the parking lot now unofficially referred to as: “The Chili Tracks.” #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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