Filed by The Dude on Wednesday, June 24, 2026 — a satirical florida report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
FLORIDA MAN ARRESTED AFTER SPENDING NINE HOURS AT A BUFFET, DECLARING HIMSELF A “LONG-TERM TENANT”
FLORIDA MAN ARRESTED AFTER SPENDING NINE HOURS AT A BUFFET, DECLARING HIMSELF A “LONG-TERM TENANT” ORLANDO, FL — A Florida man was arrested after allegedly refusing to leave an all-you-can-eat buffet for more than nine hours, insisting he had established residency and was protected by what he called “buffet squatter rights.” According to police, 42-year-old Randy Wilkins arrived shortly after opening and immediately began what witnesses later described as “the most committed meal anyone had ever seen.” Employees say Wilkins ate breakfast, lunch, second lunch, dinner, and what he personally labeled “night breakfast.” As staff began cleaning up for the evening, Wilkins reportedly moved booths three times and started referring to sections of the restaurant as different neighborhoods. Witnesses claim he nicknamed the dessert station “Downtown” and described the carving station as “the financial district.” Managers repeatedly asked him to leave. Instead, Wilkins allegedly produced a handwritten document titled: “Buffet Occupancy Agreement.” The standoff continued until employees reportedly unplugged the warming trays. According to witnesses, Wilkins stared silently at the cooling food for nearly 30 seconds before saying: “Well... I guess the market has crashed.” Police escorted him out shortly afterward. As he was leaving, he allegedly turned around and shouted: “I'LL REBUILD HERE ONE DAY!” Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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