Filed by The Dude on Tuesday, August 11, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
WOMAN, 82, CHARGED AFTER RUNNING A DATING SERVICE OUT OF THE CHURCH DIRECTORY WITHOUT ANYONE'S PERMISSION
WOMAN, 82, CHARGED AFTER RUNNING A DATING SERVICE OUT OF THE CHURCH DIRECTORY WITHOUT ANYONE'S PERMISSION CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA — Marge Delaney, 82, was charged Sunday after church leadership discovered she had spent over a year secretly running a full matchmaking operation out of the congregation's photo directory, scoring every single adult member on a compatibility system she designed herself. The Pastoral Search Committee says the scheme surfaced after several members compared notes and realized they'd each been told the other person "asked about them first." Marge Delaney, 82, allegedly scored every single adult in the directory on a compatibility system she invented She arranged 31 introductions by telling both parties the other had asked first Church leadership say at least four of the couples are still together Her notebook weighted categories from "Faith Alignment" to "Availability" out of a possible 250 points Sticky notes throughout the directory tagged members with observations like "good listener" and "great cook" Fellow congregants said Delaney had quietly become the reason half the singles group started dating each other, all while insisting she was "just being neighborly." One member said "she told me a widower had specifically asked to meet me — turns out he had no idea who I was." "I've mediated parking disputes, hymn arguments, thermostat wars," said committee chair Ellen Marsh. "Never a weighted compatibility spreadsheet built off our membership directory." The notebook, grand total scores circled in pen, reportedly declined to comment. She played matchmaker without a license — turns out love needs paperwork too. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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