Filed by The Dude on Saturday, August 8, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
MAN CITED AFTER DIRECTING TRAFFIC IN A FULL WIZARD ROBE AT A BROKEN PORTLAND INTERSECTION
MAN CITED AFTER DIRECTING TRAFFIC IN A FULL WIZARD ROBE AT A BROKEN PORTLAND INTERSECTION PORTLAND, OR — A man in a floor-length black robe and pointed hat was cited Tuesday morning after spending roughly forty minutes directing traffic at a Southeast Portland intersection where the signal had gone dark. Ambrose Kettleworth, 51, told officers he had been "the only one doing anything." The report lists the following details: Kettleworth stepped into the intersection at 8:14 a.m. after the light failed in all four directions He wore the robe, the hat, and a rope belt, and carried nothing resembling a signal device He used broad two-armed gestures that drivers reported were unusually easy to read He cleared a backup of roughly thirty vehicles before any city crew arrived He waved a school bus through first and held everyone else for it He stepped back onto the curb the moment an officer's vehicle turned the corner Drivers reportedly honked in support rather than complaint, and one man rolled down his window to thank him at the light. A traffic crew arrived at 8:56 a.m. and had the signal restored within the hour. He was cited for obstructing a roadway and released at the scene. Forty minutes, no collisions. The city still wrote him up. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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