Filed by The Dude on Tuesday, September 1, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
STAFF SAY MAN REFERRED TO THE BUFFET LINE AS "THE BATTLEFIELD" BEFORE LOADING SEVEN PLATES
STAFF SAY MAN REFERRED TO THE BUFFET LINE AS "THE BATTLEFIELD" BEFORE LOADING SEVEN PLATES TULSA, OK — Dwayne Kowalski, 41, made a fourth buffet appearance in local incident reports after staff say he stood at the entrance to the food line, surveyed the trays, and reportedly announced to no one in particular that he was "heading into the battlefield" before proceeding to load seven full plates in a single pass. Kowalski reportedly wore a personal "ALL YOU CAN EAT" t-shirt specifically for the occasion, according to staff Witnesses say he stacked all seven plates along his forearm in a technique one server described as "genuinely impressive, structurally" He allegedly narrated his own approach under his breath, saying phrases like "no survivors" and "hold the line" while filling plates Staff say he made three separate trips back for "reinforcements," specifically more cornbread A fellow diner reportedly asked if he needed help carrying everything, to which he replied "negative, I trained for this" Kitchen staff say the seven plates were gone within twenty-five minutes of returning to his table Other customers reportedly began cheering each time he approached the line again, with one describing it as "watching a general return to war." "Seventeen years managing this buffet and I've seen big appetites, big families, I have never seen someone treat the food line like a military campaign," said shift manager Carl Duenas, 17 years with the company. The cornbread station reportedly ran empty twice during his visit alone. He didn't approach the buffet. He deployed to it. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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