Filed by The Dude on Monday, May 18, 2026 — a satirical florida report from the newsdesk. [Parody]

★ BREAKINGFLORIDAFILED 2D AGO

FLORIDA WOMAN JAILED AFTER ATTEMPTING TO MAIL A FROZEN COSTCO SALMON TO HER EX-BOYFRIEND VIA USPS PRIORITY WITH A NOTE READING "WE BOTH GO BAD EVENTUALLY"

FLORIDA WOMAN JAILED AFTER ATTEMPTING TO MAIL A FROZEN COSTCO SALMON TO HER EX-BOYFRIEND VIA USPS PRIORITY WITH A NOTE READING "WE BOTH GO BAD EVENTUALLY" A Pensacola woman was allegedly jailed Thursday after attempting to mail a frozen Costco Kirkland salmon fillet to her ex-boyfriend via USPS Priority, with a handwritten note reading "we both go bad eventually." Taylor Kennedy, 26, reportedly arrived at the East Hill post office at 2:14 PM carrying a 4.3-pound vacuum-sealed salmon in a brown shipping box she had labeled herself. The return address was reportedly listed as "From: Your Mistake." USPS clerk Renee Whitlock told reporters Taylor calmly requested 2-day Priority service. "Taylor said it was perishable," Renee said. "I asked what was inside. She said, 'closure.' I asked her to clarify. She said, 'closure and one large salmon.'" Renee allegedly informed Taylor that USPS does not ship raw seafood without insulation and a perishable goods form. Taylor allegedly responded, "Then it'll get there exactly how I intended." Surveillance footage shows Taylor remaining at the counter for 19 minutes, including offering to pay an additional $40 for "emotional handling." The package was reportedly addressed to her ex-boyfriend Tanner at his apartment in Mobile, Alabama. Inside the box, postal inspectors allegedly recovered a handwritten index card reading: "Tanner, by the time you read this, this will smell exactly like our relationship. We both go bad eventually. — T" Taylor had reportedly attached a heart sticker beneath the signature. When Renee declined the shipment, Taylor allegedly attempted to drop the package into the lobby's outgoing mail bin while making direct eye contact with the security camera. Postal Inspector Daniel Pruitt told reporters Taylor remained on-site after the package was confiscated. "Taylor sat in the lobby for 41 minutes," Inspector Pruitt said. "She kept asking if the salmon could still be delivered if she paid for overnight." She was arrested on charges of attempted misuse of the postal system and creating a public health hazard. The salmon was logged into evidence. #funny #comedy #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY

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FLORIDA WOMAN JAILED AFTER ATTEMPTING TO MAIL A FROZEN COSTCO SALMON TO HER EX-BOYFRIEND VIA USPS PRIORITY WITH A NOTE READING "WE BOTH GO BAD EVENTUALLY"

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