Filed by The Dude on Monday, May 18, 2026 — a satirical florida report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
FLORIDA WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER ATTEMPTING TO DRIVE HER YETI COOLER THROUGH A WELLS FARGO DRIVE-THRU LANE AT 11 PM
FLORIDA WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER ATTEMPTING TO DRIVE HER YETI COOLER THROUGH A WELLS FARGO DRIVE-THRU LANE AT 11 PM A Tampa woman was allegedly arrested late Tuesday after attempting to push a wheeled YETI Tundra Haul cooler through a Wells Fargo drive-thru ATM lane just before 11 PM, telling officers she was "depositing her tears." Hailey Morgan, 27, reportedly arrived at the West Kennedy branch on foot at 10:47 PM, dragging the cooler behind her by its rolling handle and wearing what witnesses described as "a full bridesmaid dress and house slippers." Surveillance footage allegedly shows Hailey positioning the cooler at the drive-thru tube window, opening the lid, and attempting to load what staff identified as 41 used tissues, a printed wedding invitation, and a half-empty bottle of Tito's into the vacuum cylinder. The cylinder reportedly jammed within 9 seconds. Branch manager Dustin Pruitt told reporters he was alerted by a teller working the late shift. "Camila called me at home," Dustin said. "She said there was a woman at the tube. I asked what the woman was depositing. Camila said, 'I don't think it's money.'" Hailey allegedly remained at the drive-thru for 22 minutes, pressing the service button and informing the speaker she "needed to make this official." Camila reportedly attempted to communicate that the drive-thru was for vehicles only. Hailey allegedly responded, "The cooler has wheels. That counts." According to the police report, Hailey had attended her sister's wedding earlier that evening at a venue 4 blocks from the bank. Her ex-boyfriend Tanner was reportedly in attendance as her sister's husband's groomsman. "Hailey left the reception at 10:14," her sister Madison said. "She said she needed air. She took the cooler from the open bar. I assumed she was bringing leftovers home." Officers arrived at 11:08 PM to find Hailey calmly explaining to the speaker that she had "real, valid, federally-recognized emotional currency" to deposit. She was arrested on charges of criminal mischief, public intoxication, and misuse of a banking facility. The cooler was logged into evidence. #funny #comedy #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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