Filed by The Dude on Monday, May 18, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
WOMAN, 28, ARRESTED AFTER SECRETLY CANCELING HER EX-FIANCÉ'S COSTCO MEMBERSHIP CARD 14 TIMES IN ONE MONTH FOLLOWING THEIR SPLIT
WOMAN, 28, ARRESTED AFTER SECRETLY CANCELING HER EX-FIANCÉ'S COSTCO MEMBERSHIP CARD 14 TIMES IN ONE MONTH FOLLOWING THEIR SPLIT A Sunset City woman was allegedly arrested Friday after secretly canceling her ex-fiancé's Costco membership 14 separate times over one month, leaving him stranded at the register on 6 different occasions. Sophia Langley, 28, allegedly began the campaign 11 days after her engagement to her ex-fiancé Brandon was called off in late March. The split had reportedly been Brandon's decision. Sophia allegedly retained access to their joint Costco account because the membership was registered under her email. "Sophia set the account up in 2022," Brandon said. "She told me it was easier that way. I now understand what she meant." Costco reportedly received 14 separate cancellation requests from Sophia's verified email over 31 days, each one submitted within 4 to 6 hours of Brandon reactivating his card at the front desk. The pattern allegedly became so consistent that one Costco associate, identified as Janelle, said she began recognizing Brandon by name. "Brandon came in 6 different Saturdays in a row," Janelle said. "Each time he was holding a flatbed cart loaded with rotisserie chickens and toilet paper. Each time his card was denied. Each time he asked me, very quietly, 'Has it happened again?'" Brandon allegedly escalated the issue with Costco corporate by week 3, at which point he was informed the account holder had "specifically requested no third-party reactivations." The account holder was Sophia. The scheme reportedly unraveled when Brandon brought his new girlfriend Ashley to Costco for the first time, and Ashley overheard the associate refer to him as "the Saturday guy." Ashley allegedly demanded an explanation. Brandon allegedly gave one. Ashley reportedly contacted police. Officers arrived at Sophia's apartment Friday to find her logged into the Costco member portal. She was arrested on charges of identity theft and unauthorized access to a financial account. Brandon has reportedly switched to Sam's Club. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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