Filed by The Dude on Monday, May 18, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
WOMAN DETAINED AFTER LEAVING 200 STICKY NOTES ON HER EX-BOYFRIEND'S CAR
WOMAN DETAINED AFTER LEAVING 200 STICKY NOTES ON HER EX-BOYFRIEND'S CAR CHARLOTTE, NC — Authorities detained Lexi Caroline Morgan, 26, on Saturday morning after she allegedly covered her ex-boyfriend's 2021 Audi A4 in 200 individually handwritten sticky notes in the parking deck of his apartment building off South Tryon Street. Witnesses say Morgan, wearing biker shorts, a "SOFT LAUNCH OF MY VILLAIN ERA" crop top, and Adidas slides, sat on the concrete for nearly three hours methodically placing notes in what she later described as "emotional chronological order." According to the police report: - Morgan reportedly went through four full packs of Post-its in colors she told officers were "deeply intentional, pink is the lies, yellow is the gaslighting, green is everything you texted me back drunk" - A neighbor parking on level two, identified only as Kaitlyn 💋, recorded the entire process while saying "she just pulled out a NEW pack, this is HOUR THREE, somebody check on her" - Selected notes recovered from the scene read "you said you weren't on Hinge, I had the screenshots Cody," "the AirPod was MINE," "your mom texted me happy birthday before you did," and "I saw you at Trader Joe's with Madison, pretending to read oat milk labels" - The driver's side windshield reportedly held one oversized note in pink Sharpie that read "DO NOT REMOVE THESE OUT OF ORDER, THEY TELL A STORY" - Officers recovered the remaining Post-its, two empty Owalas, a half-eaten matcha croissant, and a printed Google Doc titled "TIMELINE OF EVERY RED FLAG I IGNORED" Sergeant Reggie Crowder, a 25-year veteran of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department, addressed reporters at the scene. "In twenty-five years I have responded to keyed cars, slashed tires, and one Audi spray painted with the word LIAR in cursive. This is the first time I have taken a statement from a vehicle that needed to be read top to bottom like a memoir. I am going home." She didn't key the paint or break a single window. She made him stand in the parking deck and read 200 reasons before he could drive to work. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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