Filed by The Dude on Tuesday, May 19, 2026 — a satirical breaking report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
EX-GIRLFRIEND DETAINED AFTER ALLEGEDLY FILLING HER EX'S GAS TANK WITH SWEET TEA AT A SHELL STATION IN ALABAMA
EX-GIRLFRIEND DETAINED AFTER ALLEGEDLY FILLING HER EX'S GAS TANK WITH SWEET TEA AT A SHELL STATION IN ALABAMA MONTGOMERY, AL — Authorities detained Halee Marie Crittenden, 30, on Friday night after she allegedly emptied two gallon-sized jugs of homemade sweet tea into her ex-boyfriend's 2021 Chevy Silverado at a Shell station off Eastern Boulevard while he was inside paying for a hot dog. Witnesses say Crittenden, wearing leggings, a Crimson Tide hoodie, and one slipper, calmly approached pump 4 with the jugs already uncapped and a slice of lemon floating in each. According to the police report: - Crittenden's ex-boyfriend, Tucker Holcombe, 32, had reportedly blocked her on every social platform two weeks earlier and started dating "a girl named Madison who works at the spray tan place" - Crittenden allegedly poured both jugs into the open fuel door in under 40 seconds, garnished the spout with the floating lemon, and walked back to her Honda Civic without breaking stride - A bystander, identified only as Miss Earlene 🍋, recorded the entire incident from the next pump while saying "she is POURING sweet tea, full sugar, this woman means business" - Crittenden allegedly left a handwritten note tucked under the windshield wiper that read "I made this fresh this morning Tucker, enjoy" - Officers recovered both empty jugs, a Tupperware of leftover lemon slices, and a printed receipt from Piggly Wiggly for "10 lb sugar, 4 family size Luzianne, lemons" Sergeant Wendell Bryce, a 26-year veteran of the Montgomery County Sheriff's Office, addressed reporters at the scene. "In twenty-six years I have responded to sugar in tanks, syrup in tanks, and one Ford full of grits. This is the first time I have logged 'sweet tea, garnished' as the contaminant. I am going home." She didn't slash a tire or break a single window. She just brewed two gallons fresh and let Tucker drive on Luzianne until the engine gave out. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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