Filed by The Dude on Tuesday, May 19, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
NEW JERSEY WOMAN DETAINED AFTER ALLEGEDLY BEATING A MAN WITH A FROZEN COSTCO CHICKEN IN A PARKING LOT DISPUTE OVER A SHOPPING CART
NEW JERSEY WOMAN DETAINED AFTER ALLEGEDLY BEATING A MAN WITH A FROZEN COSTCO CHICKEN IN A PARKING LOT DISPUTE OVER A SHOPPING CART PARAMUS, NJ — Authorities detained Donna Marie Castellano, 44, on Saturday afternoon after she allegedly beat a fellow shopper across the back and shoulders with a frozen Kirkland rotisserie chicken in the Costco parking lot on Route 17 during a dispute over a single shopping cart. Witnesses say Castellano, wearing a Tory Burch tracksuit, full acrylics, and one slipper, lunged at the man after he allegedly grabbed the cart she had been "personally guarding" for nineteen minutes. According to the police report: - The dispute began when Mark Pellegrino, 51, of Hackensack, attempted to take a cart Castellano had her hand on while loading her trunk - Pellegrino reportedly told her "lady there's 400 carts inside, relax" before reaching for the handle - Castellano allegedly removed a frozen Kirkland rotisserie chicken from her cart and struck Pellegrino three times across the upper back while shouting "MY CART, MY MEAT, MY LOT" - A bystander, identified only as Gina from Wayne 💅, recorded the entire incident from inside her Range Rover while screaming "DONNA SWING IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT, HE GRABBED THE CART" - Officers recovered the chicken, still partially frozen and slightly dented, along with a Costco receipt showing Castellano had purchased it 14 minutes earlier Sergeant Anthony DeLuca, a 24-year veteran of the Bergen County Police Department, addressed reporters at the scene. "In twenty-four years working this lot I have responded to fistfights, screaming matches, and one tug-of-war over the last tray of croissants. This is the first time the weapon was three pounds, eight ounces, and seasoned. I am going home." She came in for paper towels and left with a charge. He came in for samples and left with a poultry-shaped imprint between his shoulder blades. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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