Filed by The Dude on Tuesday, May 19, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
OHIO WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER ALLEGEDLY KEYING 11 CARS IN A TARGET PARKING LOT BECAUSE ONE OF THEM "LOOKED LIKE HER EX'S"
OHIO WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER ALLEGEDLY KEYING 11 CARS IN A TARGET PARKING LOT BECAUSE ONE OF THEM "LOOKED LIKE HER EX'S" CINCINNATI, OH — Authorities arrested Maddyson Rae Beaumont, 28, on Thursday evening after she allegedly keyed eleven separate vehicles in the parking lot of a Target on Beechmont Avenue because one of them, a black 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee, "looked exactly like her ex-boyfriend Tanner's." Witnesses say Beaumont, wearing leggings, an oversized Cleveland Browns hoodie, and Birkenstocks, methodically walked the entire row holding a single rhinestone-coated Honda key with the determination of a woman finishing a to-do list. According to the police report: - Beaumont reportedly entered the lot at 6:14 p.m., spotted the Jeep, and was overheard saying "oh you have GOT to be kidding me Tanner" - Upon closer inspection, the Jeep turned out to belong to a 62-year-old woman named Deborah from the neighboring Bed Bath & Beyond - Beaumont allegedly proceeded to key the Jeep anyway, then ten additional vehicles "just to be safe" in case Tanner had "borrowed a friend's car" - A bystander loading groceries, identified only as Sherri 🛒, recorded the entire spree while saying "ma'am that's a Subaru, Tanner does not drive a Subaru, you need to stop" - Officers recovered the rhinestone key, a half-eaten Starbucks cake pop, and a printed photo of Tanner folded in Beaumont's back pocket labeled "DO NOT FORGIVE HIM" Sergeant Doug Ferringer, a 25-year veteran of the Hamilton County Sheriff's Office, addressed reporters at the scene. "In twenty-five years I have responded to single keyings, double keyings, and one time a man who keyed his own car to file insurance. This is the first time I have logged eleven counts in one lot over a guy named Tanner. I am going home." She came to Target for a candle and left with eleven counts of vandalism. Tanner, somewhere across town, has no idea a Subaru took a hit for him today. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
More From The Newsdesk
BREAKINGWAITRESS ARRESTED AFTER ALLEGEDLY DUMPING A WHOLE FRYER BASKET OF…
PROVIDENCE, RI — Authorities arrested Marconi's Italian Grill waitress Sophia Renata Vitaliano, 27, on Friday…
FLORIDAFLORIDA MAN ARRESTED AFTER STEALING POLICE CRUISER FROM WAFFLE HOUSE…
PENSACOLA, FL — A Florida man was arrested after police say he stole a patrol car from a Waffle House parking…
FLORIDAFLORIDA MAN ARRESTED AFTER ALLEGEDLY TRYING TO TRADE A LIVE IGUANA…
KISSIMMEE, FL — Authorities arrested Dale Beauford Patterson, 51, on Tuesday afternoon after he allegedly…
FILEDPANAMA CITY, FL — Jacob Tanner, 31, was detained Saturday morning…
According to the police report, Tanner sat at the counter, ordered an All-Star Special with extra hash…