Filed by The Dude on Tuesday, May 19, 2026 — a satirical florida report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER WRITING “ASK HER ABOUT JEREMY” ON EX’S NEW GIRLFRIEND’S CAR FOR 11 STRAIGHT WEEKENDS
WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER WRITING “ASK HER ABOUT JEREMY” ON EX’S NEW GIRLFRIEND’S CAR FOR 11 STRAIGHT WEEKENDS NAPLES, FL — A Florida woman was arrested after police say she spent nearly three months repeatedly writing “ASK HER ABOUT JEREMY” in soap across the windshield of her ex-fiancé’s new girlfriend’s car every single weekend “until somebody finally admitted something.” Kayla Bennett, 26, was taken into custody Saturday morning after neighbors reported seeing her crouched behind a Honda Accord at 6:12 AM holding a bucket, sponge, and what deputies described as “the energy of someone absolutely not over it.” According to police reports, Bennett allegedly targeted the same vehicle every Saturday for 11 consecutive weekends, always using dish soap or washable window paint before disappearing before sunrise. The mystery message reportedly caused: * Two separate relationship breakups * A family group chat investigation involving 14 relatives * One backyard argument loud enough for neighbors to record * Multiple coworkers asking, “Wait… who IS Jeremy?” Police say the current girlfriend initially believed Jeremy was a secret affair partner, only to later discover Jeremy was allegedly “just a guy who sold fantasy football cards online in 2021.” Investigators claim Bennett admitted to the campaign immediately and told officers: “I honestly didn’t think it would work this long.” Neighbors described the situation as “the most entertainment this subdivision has had since the raccoon in the pool incident.” Authorities confirmed no permanent damage was done to the car, though officers noted the emotional damage inside the relationship was “significant and ongoing.” Bennett was charged with misdemeanor harassment before being released later that afternoon. Police reports state the couple has since stopped parking outside “out of respect for Jeremy.” #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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