Filed by The Dude on Thursday, August 13, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
MAN, 77, ARRESTED AFTER RUNNING AN UNLICENSED TAXI SERVICE OUT OF A RETIRED HEARSE
MAN, 77, ARRESTED AFTER RUNNING AN UNLICENSED TAXI SERVICE OUT OF A RETIRED HEARSE BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA — Cornelius Aldrich, 77, was arrested Friday after police discovered he had spent eight months shuttling paying passengers around town in a retired funeral hearse, charging cash fares with a hand-painted "TAXI" sign propped in the windshield. Officers say the operation first drew attention when a bar patron flagged down the hearse for a ride home, assuming it was some kind of themed rideshare service. He allegedly picked up fares outside bars using a hand-painted "TAXI" sign in the window Riders say the hearse's original velvet curtains were still installed in the back Investigators found a logbook tracking over 200 rides across eight months Aldrich reportedly kept a mini fridge stocked with water bottles for customers Passengers say the ride was "eerily smooth" and "surprisingly roomy" Riders said the hearse quickly became a late-night novelty ride requested by name among bargoers, several treating it as a genuine attraction rather than a red flag. One rider said "it was the most memorable ride I've ever taken, and also the most legally questionable." "I've cited unlicensed taxis running out of regular sedans, minivans, one converted school bus with bench seating," said Officer Dale Kessler. "Never an actual funeral hearse running paid fares with the velvet curtains still hanging in the back." The logbook, 200 rides deep, reportedly declined to comment. He gave the hearse a second life shuttling the living — the city says it still needs a permit either way. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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