Filed by The Dude on Friday, August 7, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
LOCAL RESIDENT TAYLOR ASHBURY, 29, WAS CHARGED AFTER GRADUALLY REPLACING EVERY BAG OF COFFEE IN HER EX-BOYFRIEND'S HOME WITH DECAF OVER THE COURSE OF FOUR WEEKS
LOCAL RESIDENT TAYLOR ASHBURY, 29, WAS CHARGED AFTER GRADUALLY REPLACING EVERY BAG OF COFFEE IN HER EX-BOYFRIEND'S HOME WITH DECAF OVER THE COURSE OF FOUR WEEKS Portland, Oregon — Taylor Ashbury, 29, was charged with criminal trespass and unlawful entry after police say she used a spare key she never returned to sneak into her ex-boyfriend's home over four consecutive weeks, systematically swapping every bag of coffee in his kitchen for decaf while keeping the original packaging intact. Investigators say Ashbury kept a detailed spiral notebook logging each visit, rating her success on a five-point scale and noting which brands she had already swapped. Ashbury allegedly repackaged decaf grounds into his exact brands, including Starbucks, Peet's, and Kirkland, to avoid detection Her notebook reportedly tracked four full weeks of swaps, with entries reaching a perfect "5/5" by week three She reportedly left herself a note reading "restock as needed" with a small smiley face at the bottom of the log Witnesses say the ex-boyfriend had complained to friends for weeks about feeling "constantly tired" without knowing why Police were called after a home security camera caught her mid-swap on her fifth visit Neighbors described the operation as "disturbingly organized" once the notebook was recovered as evidence. "In 12 years working trespassing cases, I've never seen someone keep a spreadsheet-style log of decaf substitutions," said Portland PD Officer Renata Souza. The spiral notebook itself was reportedly unavailable for comment, currently logged into evidence. She swapped his beans without a sound, now her decaf scheme's been finally found. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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