Filed by The Dude on Wednesday, September 2, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
WOMAN, 85, JAILED AFTER SLIPPING OUT OF A BUFFET WITH FOUR PLATES WRAPPED IN A CARDIGAN
WOMAN, 85, JAILED AFTER SLIPPING OUT OF A BUFFET WITH FOUR PLATES WRAPPED IN A CARDIGAN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA — Delphine Ashworth, 85, was jailed after buffet staff say she attempted to leave the restaurant with four fully loaded plates of food concealed inside a rolled-up cardigan tucked under her arm. Staff say the alarm never went off, but a server noticed a "suspicious gravy stain" spreading across the fabric Witnesses say she had layered the plates carefully, with rice on the bottom "for structural support" One employee says she walked with an unusually stiff gait, later explained by the hidden cargo Staff claim she told the host she was "just stepping out for air" before heading straight for her car A manager says the cardigan alone contained an estimated eleven dollars worth of prime rib Witnesses say she had done this at least twice before, according to a loyalty card found in her purse Police say she remained composed throughout, calmly asking if she could "at least keep the rolls" She reportedly told officers the cardigan was "multi-purpose by design" A longtime buffet employee called it "the most structurally sound food smuggling I have personally witnessed." A responding officer with eleven years on the job said the cardigan "held up better than most grocery bags." The prime rib declined to comment. She built a whole system out of wool and gravy. Now the only thing she's carrying is a criminal record. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
More From The Newsdesk
FILEDGRANDMOTHER, 82, ARRESTED AFTER DINE-AND-DASHING ON A $9 EARLY BIRD…
CLEARWATER, FLA — Agnes Ferraro, 82, was arrested after allegedly sprinting out of a local diner without…
FILEDWOMAN, 83, ARRESTED AFTER POSING AS A HOTEL CONCIERGE AND REWRITING…
CHARLESTON, S.C. — Beatrice Callahan, 83, was arrested after hotel management discovered she had been posing…
FILEDMAN ARRESTED FOR GOING INTO A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT ONCE A DAY FOR A…
DES MOINES, IA — Colton Braddock, 30, was arrested after employees realized he had been walking into the same…
FLORIDA POLICE ARREST MAN ACCUSED OF RAMMING GATE TO RETRIEVE VEHICLE…
PENSACOLA, FL — Cody Vance, 32, was arrested after allegedly ramming his own truck through the entrance gate…