Filed by The Dude on Wednesday, September 30, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
OLYMPIA, WA — A new state law signed Monday now requires every drive-thru window in Washington to provide a free 10-minute therapy session with any food order totaling more than $14, beginning Novembe
OLYMPIA, WA — A new state law signed Monday now requires every drive-thru window in Washington to provide a free 10-minute therapy session with any food order totaling more than $14, beginning November 1. The bill, officially titled the Fast Food Emotional Support Act, was introduced by state lawmakers after a viral incident in Tacoma in which a Bellevue man allegedly experienced "a complete value-meal breakdown" upon being charged $16.79 for a medium combo that previously cost $8.49 in 2019. According to the new statute: - All qualifying drive-thrus must designate 1 licensed Window Support Counselor - Counselors must complete 38 hours of state-approved emotional service training - Customers are entitled to a 10-minute curbside therapy session per qualifying order - A complimentary tissue box must be placed on the pickup ledge at all times - A printed pamphlet titled "It Used to Be a Dollar" must be offered with every receipt - Sessions may address combo guilt, surge pricing trauma, and portion grief - Counselors are prohibited from upselling, judging, or suggesting "the app deal" State Senator Bradford Whitfield told reporters the bill was "long overdue," citing data from a 2024 Pierce County survey in which 74 percent of drivers reported "audible gasping" at the speaker box, and 39 percent admitted to crying into a hash brown while waiting at the second window. Drive-thru locations found in violation face an $820 fine per incident and mandatory enrollment in a state-run consumer dignity seminar. Trooper Cassandra Holloway of the Washington State Patrol told reporters, "I've worked drive-thru patrol for 21 years. I've responded to coffee spill rage on I-5, mediated parking lot disputes over the last spicy chicken sandwich, and once arrested a man trying to citizen's-arrest a milkshake machine. This is the first time in my career I have ever been briefed on a state-mandated curbside therapy session protocol." The pickup ledge tissue box declined to comment. The combo went up. The state pulled forward. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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