Filed by The Dude on Wednesday, September 30, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
STUDENT DELIVERS DRUNKEN GRADUATION SPEECH FROM A CAMPUS FOUNTAIN TO NO ONE
STUDENT DELIVERS DRUNKEN GRADUATION SPEECH FROM A CAMPUS FOUNTAIN TO NO ONE Daniel Han thanked his professors, his family and the fountain's left-hand water jet. Only the jet was present, and it refused to stop interrupting. The 23-year-old college student in Eugene, Oregon, had been celebrating the end of exams when he decided to rehearse his graduation speech in the campus fountain. He wasn't scheduled to give a graduation speech. He also still had a semester left. Standing in the shallow water, Daniel held his phone like a microphone and began addressing an empty courtyard. He paused for applause twice. A sprinkler starting nearby gave him enough encouragement to continue. Campus security found him congratulating the class on its resilience. Asked to step out, Daniel said he'd nearly reached the part about overcoming setbacks. The guard offered him a towel and a straightforward new setback: leave the fountain. Daniel instead thanked the institution for "creating spaces where students can make waves" and tried to start the speech again from the top. His refusal to get out ended with officers arriving and his arrest. "I was thanking the fountain," he explained. His roommate later collected his wet shoes and asked why a practice speech needed an audience at all. Daniel said the acoustics had been excellent. The roommate played a short clip from Daniel's phone. Almost every word was drowned out by splashing. Daniel listened carefully. "The fountain really carried the middle section." Would you forgive the interruption if he left when asked, or is thanking water already the sign someone needs to go home? Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
More From The Newsdesk
FLORIDAFLORIDA WOMAN BUSTED AFTER RUNNING POP-UP DRIVE-THRU RESTAURANT FROM…
LAKELAND, FL — A Florida woman was detained after authorities discovered she had allegedly transformed the…
FLORIDAFLORIDA MAN TRIES TO CHARGE HIS ELECTRIC CAR AT A GAS-STATION PUMP
Martin Kessler had owned an electric car for two days and already believed the entire fueling industry needed…
FILEDWAITRESS THROWS ICE AT A TABLE THAT STIFFED HER
Lauren Keating turned a cold reception into a small indoor weather event. The Cedar Rapids, Iowa, waitress…
FILEDEX RETURNS EVERY GIFT TO HIS MOM'S PORCH WITH AN ITEMIZED LIST
Chloe Maddox returned a three-year relationship to her ex's mother and demanded a signature confirming…