Filed by The Dude on Wednesday, September 9, 2026 — a satirical florida report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
MIAMI, FL -- FLORIDA WOMAN DETAINED AFTER SPENDING 45 MINUTES SWINGING A TOY LIGHTSABER AT IMAGINARY SQUIRRELS IN A PUBLIC PARK AND TELLING JOGGERS "STAY BACK, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE"
MIAMI, FL -- FLORIDA WOMAN DETAINED AFTER SPENDING 45 MINUTES SWINGING A TOY LIGHTSABER AT IMAGINARY SQUIRRELS IN A PUBLIC PARK AND TELLING JOGGERS "STAY BACK, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE" Miami-Dade police responded to Tropical Park Sunday afternoon after multiple calls reported a woman "engaged in combat with nothing." According to the police report, Brenda Kay Noonan, 38, was found standing in the center of a walking trail swinging a green toy lightsaber in wide arcs at what she described as "an army of squirrels" that no one else could see. According to witnesses and the police report: Noonan had been on the trail for approximately 45 minutes and had warned at least 12 joggers to "go around, this area is compromised" She told officers the squirrels had been "following her since the parking lot" and that she had purchased the lightsaber at a Dollar Tree specifically for this purpose When officers told her there were no squirrels in the immediate area she pointed the lightsaber at a nearby bush and said "that's exactly what they want you to think" She had a backpack containing 3 additional toy lightsabers which she referred to as "backup" and told officers "you don't go into squirrel territory with one weapon" A park employee told officers "she's been here before. Last time it was a pool noodle. She's upgrading." Responding officer Victor Ruiz told reporters: "She was swinging with full commitment. Her footwork was actually decent. If the squirrels had been real they wouldn't have stood a chance." Noonan was detained for a mental health evaluation and released. The toy lightsaber was returned to her at her request. The bush declined to comment. Some women see the world as it is. Brenda Noonan sees squirrels that aren't there and fights them with a dollar store lightsaber and zero hesitation. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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