Filed by The Dude on Tuesday, September 8, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
ONLYFANS STAR CHARGED WITH GRAND THEFT AUTO AFTER "BORROWING" A MAYOR'S PARADE FLOAT FOR A THEMED SHOOT
ONLYFANS STAR CHARGED WITH GRAND THEFT AUTO AFTER "BORROWING" A MAYOR'S PARADE FLOAT FOR A THEMED SHOOT MIAMI, FL — Vanessa Cortland, 27, was arrested and charged with grand theft auto after deputies say she and a small production crew hitched a city-owned parade float from a storage lot overnight and drove it to a public beach for a sunrise photo shoot. Deputies say the float, valued at roughly $85,000, was scheduled to be used in the following weekend's holiday parade. The float reportedly still had the mayor's campaign banner attached during the shoot She allegedly told deputies she assumed it was "just sitting there for anyone" Crew members reportedly used the float's confetti cannon during the session, emptying it completely Deputies say sand and salt damage to the float's mechanical base was extensive She reportedly captioned one photo "borrowed the mayor's ride, don't tell him" City officials say repairs and replacement decorations came to nearly $14,000 She allegedly offered the mayor's office "exposure" in exchange for dropping the charges A city parks employee who discovered the float missing said he initially assumed it had been stolen for parts, not for a sunrise photo shoot. Detective Gary Holbrook, Miami-Dade PD, 12 years on the force, said, "We've recovered stolen vehicles before. First time one came back covered in glitter and beach sand." The confetti cannon, fully discharged, declined to comment. Some people borrow sugar from a neighbor. Vanessa borrowed a parade float from the city. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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