Filed by The Dude on Tuesday, June 30, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
CROSSING GUARD SUSPENDED AFTER STOPPING TRAFFIC TO HELP A DUCK AND HER DUCKLINGS CROSS SAFELY
CROSSING GUARD SUSPENDED AFTER STOPPING TRAFFIC TO HELP A DUCK AND HER DUCKLINGS CROSS SAFELY A mother duck and eight ducklings waddled into a four-lane intersection at rush hour, so she raised her stop sign and walked them across, and the city wrote her up. PORTLAND, OR — Crossing guard Susan Hartley, 56, has been suspended without pay after halting morning traffic for nearly four minutes to escort a duck and her eight ducklings safely across a busy intersection. Hartley stepped into the crosswalk with her STOP paddle and slowly herded the line of ducklings to the far curb The city flagged it because she "stopped vehicle traffic for a purpose not related to student crossing" She used her own jacket to gently guide a stray duckling that wandered toward a storm drain Her suspension notice cited "unauthorized traffic interruption" and "use of the crossing post for non-pedestrian activity" A supervisor reportedly told her the act "created liability" and "is not a function the city authorizes" Drivers who had stopped reportedly cheered and honked in support, and one commuter posted the video, which spread across the city overnight. "In 22 years I have never written up a guard for protecting anything trying to cross safely, duck or otherwise, and I think it's nonsense," said operations lead Carl Briggs, reading a statement he openly resented. Every duckling made it across. Her suspension letter is taped beside her stop sign. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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