Filed by The Dude on Sunday, August 9, 2026 — a satirical filed report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
MAN CITED AFTER OUTLASTING THREE SHIFT CHANGES ON A SINGLE $1.29 COFFEE
MAN CITED AFTER OUTLASTING THREE SHIFT CHANGES ON A SINGLE $1.29 COFFEE BRANDON, FL — Walter Higgs, 71, was cited for trespassing after staff determined he had occupied the same booth for over sixteen hours, arriving at 6 a.m. and still seated when the overnight crew clocked in, all on a single small coffee purchased at opening. Higgs reportedly brought his own phone charger and plugged it directly into the wall outlet beside the booth he completed at least four full crossword puzzles over the course of the day, according to staff a shift change log shows three separate morning, afternoon, and evening crews all noting "same customer, same booth" staff say he occasionally reordered a small coffee refill but never purchased food incident report was filed only after the third shift manager realized he had been there since before her shift began that morning Employees say Higgs was polite throughout the day, occasionally chatting with regulars, and had become something of a fixture by the time the dinner rush started without anyone questioning it. "We've had people camp out with a laptop for a couple hours," said shift manager Renee Pactor, 6 years with the franchise. "We've never had someone outlast three entire shift changes on one small coffee." Higgs was asked to leave and cited for trespassing after declining multiple requests to vacate the booth for incoming customers. He reportedly asked if he could finish the crossword first. Some people grab a quick coffee. Walter grabbed a coffee and, apparently, a full workday's worth of seating. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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