Filed by The Dude on Tuesday, June 30, 2026 — a satirical florida report from the newsdesk. [Parody]
FLORIDA WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER WALKING THREE GOATS THROUGH A TARGET WHILE SIPPING SANGRIA FROM A THERMOS
FLORIDA WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER WALKING THREE GOATS THROUGH A TARGET WHILE SIPPING SANGRIA FROM A THERMOS She did not rush, she did not hide it, she strolled the home goods aisle with three leashed goats and a thermos like it was a Sunday farmers market. NAPLES, FL — Local resident Tammy Sutton, 44, was arrested Saturday after parading three pygmy goats through a Target while drinking sangria from a 40-ounce thermos and browsing throw pillows. Sutton led the goats, named Kevin, Biscuit, and Patrice, on matching pink leashes down the seasonal aisle She paused to let one goat "approve" a $24 candle before placing it in her cart "as a group decision" Witnesses say she topped off her thermos at the in-store Starbucks and called it "a refill, technically" A goat ate part of a clearance beach towel; Sutton calmly added the towel to her cart, saying "we'll buy that one" Her shirt reportedly read "NO GOATS NO GLORY," which an officer noted "did not help her case" A shopper in the candle section told reporters she has come to that Target weekly for years and never had to yield her cart to livestock. "In 22 years I have responded to plenty of odd calls, but never 'three goats and a thermos in housewares,'" said Officer Renata Cole, reading the report. The goats were released to a farm. The throw pillows were returned to the shelf. Images and full story copyrighted TBC Viral Media 2026. #funny #comedy #fblifestyle #satire #FORENTERTAINMENTONLY
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